Au contraire! You are the problem, you just don't know it. You are dead, you just don't know it. We hopped from fence to fence in backyards when we were young, and now you're dead. The ship capsized and we're all going down with it. Deep underwater, you know that we're all like you: crushed under the weight of a sinking ship. The sharks have followed your trail. Death comes quicker to those who don't wait. On the contrary, you are the anchor that weighs you down. How does it feel to live so many lives? To know that we're wasting ours on you? And now you're dead, just like all the people you practiced on.

We're not alive. Embrace it. Salivate excrement. Let it drip down your neck. A useful idiot. Fucked for life. Embrace it. You drew a bad hand, but it was more than just a game to you. Solipsistic narcissist. Fuck it all, just embrace it. Death becomes routine when you piss on everything. Tasting the spit of the dog that bit back. I'm feeling the wound of the toothless rat. Smear their brains on the walls. All of you cursed motherfuckers. Paint your cock on every stall. Sudden reverse, turn for the worst. Embrace it. Fill the plate with your own shit and gorge until you're sick from it. Life becomes so exhausting when gunshots sprinkle everything. "I'm eating my skin like a rat still tied to the nest. I'm withering down teeth trying to tear the flesh." All your loved ones locked eyes with your barrel. Ungrateful bastard, you didn't know your place. I regret that they once thought I was you. A long time ago I used to believe them. When did you think this was gonna make you a legend? When the roof came crashing down? There will be no space in the ground for your grave. You don't even deserve the worms.

I didn't think that we could die but I wasn't looking in the right places, wasn't seeing all the signs. I watched you as you glamorized every bad instinct impressed upon me - everything you said I'd be. When did I fuck everything up? I didn't think that we could die, but I handed you the knife, and dared you to try (I thought maybe you'd just gouge your eyes out). Get out of my fucking head. The haunt of all these memories is all that seems to occupy, so get me out of my fucking head. This is all so fucking high school and I never wanted it. Now and then I think back on all the things we used to be. I'm caught up in all these past life anxieties. Now and then I look back on all the things we used to say. I'm caught up in all these past life anxieties. I didn't think that we could die, but I waited by your side, as you turned the knife at mine. We dug these trenches all our lives for a war that we'd never fight, and now it keeps me awake at night. I never knew... I never knew... I never knew... I never knew... it's too fucking late... too fucking late... too fucking late... too fucking late.

I've been running out of good ideas, but bless your heart you keep giving me bad ones. You're 15 minutes away from another reason not to live. I thought you knew an opportunity when you saw one, but you shattered the mirror and ingested the pieces. Don't speak those words, choke on them. How will you survive, these long nights of depression and narcissism? How does it feel, big shot? To know your worth as it passes by you? Running rings around your skull, don't you think it's funny that you were the best of trash? What made you think you could escape the fall? Heartbreaking, truly. (Who made you?) Fuck yourself, unfuck yourself. I don't care as long as you never speak to anyone again. Choke on your fattened ego. You were never anything, no heart or soul. Amateur. You've got too much nerve for the both of us. We're bathing in disappointment. Failed investments make excrement. We poured all our hearts into you, but you squandered it all, you racist motherfucker. Failed investment. We put all our faith into you, but you wasted it all, you piece of shit. Fucker. Choke on every opportunity you let go to waste, racist motherfucker. You're not the "comedy genius" you thought you were. Spencer-esque punching bag, take the hit and don't find back. I want to see everything you've worked hard for fall away. You know that you never should have said, and never should have done the things that brought you to your place, licking the boot of your "master race."

I don't want to see you this way. I can't bear to watch you become this. I won't let you, because I can't love you. Let it go, you know that I don't want to see you be this fucking ghost. I just want you to be happy, so why won't you fucking let me? White as the light you shined on me. Pale as the corpse you made of me. Black as the night when you left me. Soft as the kiss of your memory. Why can't you just not go through with this? I can't humor you if you fuck this up. You are no fun anymore. So when you find your new body, I won't be here to fuck it. Why can't you fucking see what this is putting me through? You're of no use to me. Just another pusfucker. You're not the one I love (just another pusfucker). While we count down the days until you break the cocoon, I'll wait, rifle in hand, to make sure no one finds you. I thought this was supposed to be star-crossed love? Torn apart by the rapture of circumstance. Now I wait, rifle in hand. This is what you made me do. This is what you turned me into. This is the bullet I was saving for you. This is the smile I was faking for you.

The sky came crashing down that day as the air grew to thin to give life. I lost my mind and soul to that town... I'd resigned myself to the messes we'd made. Together we all wrote the story where I was just a rat waiting to be torn apart... waiting to be caught in the trap. Somehow I got out (skin o' my teeth), but in the absence of you, am I even me? I still lose sleep most nights thinking of my life and what I've become. Your voices still ring out in my head louder than my own. Sometimes I really thought you deserved for the winds to change and burn you away, or the seas to rise and drown you, or the guns to enter your bedrooms. Instead, you lie and sleep with ease, knowing you ruined the world. Fuck that town and all that it meant. Fuck every lifetime that brought me to it. (I've beared witness to the de-evolution of insects whose bodies all breathe as one, and bathe in the September sun.) So I swallowed the lie and pretended it's dignified to be the fool of the few, and the fag of many... to be a heartless wretch... to turn away and never rest. I'm just waiting for life to make sense. So I'll bite my tongue and be the punchline to the joke that you wanted me to be, in all your sick memories. (So how do I move on, and not succumb to the petty hate that I endured for all my life? To not return the favor, to never fight against it all... I don't think I can do it. I still feel insecure because of words that meant nothing to you, but meant everything to me. If I could, I'd bear the arms that bring you to your knees, but I know I should be better than that. So now I sit with a past that I can never reconcile knowing everyone else moved on. There's no pride in pain... there's no honor in revenge... but fuck it, all I'm asking for is sleep.) This is not your California dream. This is not the happy end it seems. Push me to our destiny: manifest fabrication. Caught between two worlds. This is not your California dream. We are not learning how to be a gutted fish like me - to die in the fantasy. I will never live up to your juiced up, dumbfuck masculine posturing and I won't even try. You've done enough damage as is molding me into something that even I despise. So why is it that I still obsess, like a heart beating under the floor? The sun burns hotter than ever before but I still can't bury the sword.